yesterday

My father used the analogy "like shoving hot butter up a wildcat's butt"

Verbatim.

This was after 7 phone calls trying to reclaim a lost gift card, being transferred from one automated service to the next. He started screaming into the receiver "LIVE PERSON! LIVE PERSON!" ,willing it to be an actual option on the automated menu.

Christmas Break

I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because this is truly what I wanted-to sit on my ass and do nothing. But, after eating half of a 28 pack of cherry andes, 3 ferrero rocher, a couple sour patch kids, and some boyscout popcorn(go on, judge me....but it was spread out....sort of?) I feel like a big disgusting blob. Which leads me to think of my general lack of productivity in most everything, especially in design matters. The fact that I can't name drop like my classmates, that I don't have an "inspiration" folder on my computer, and the fact that I have around 5 film cameras I have yet to figure out(after a significant period of ownership-thanks to some generous donations), makes me feel that I don't deserve to feel any sort of creative itch due to my relative apathy in mastering my craft. Oh,and there is the summer internship I'm pushing to the back of my mind, wondering just how I can make my portfolio stick out from the hundreds of applications they'll review. Really, this is all me feeling sorry for myself...of course I work hard sometimes. But right now I feel like my life's momentum is directly proportional to my current physical state. Slow, boring, unpromising. Can't I just go live in the woods somewhere and read good fiction and cuddle my record player and my pupyyyyyyyyyyy

best christmas song ever

this, and hard candy christmas by dolly parton.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM3vKiaKe_w

foolish heart

I was reading someone else's blog about their path through life and where they are now, and I am honestly in tears. I feel so broken and dirty and ashamed and lost. I wish I knew what it was like to feel joy again. To understand what it really means to be happy. I wish I knew how to let go of what other people thought of me or expected of me and live the way I once did, passionately and with freedom.


11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

you're welcome

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2h7finm&s=7

radio station, NFL sundays

To the person who has been calling line 1 for the past three hours,

I know you must have a REALLY important question. I bet you think I know a lot about sports and can give you some really witty, sage advice about your favorite team's offensive line. Maybe you are calling to report that there was 15 seconds of dead air 30 minutes ago. I must now tell you that I don't even know which teams are playing in this game I'm currently running the board for. I must also tell you that the dead air was not a technical difficulty, but a miscalculation of time needed to go downstairs for a snickers bar. In summation: please cease your incessant calling, the green blinky light is a very annoying periferal distraction.

tonight

I was going through my mamaw's records and she came in and helped me put one on (her system is fancyshmancy/old) and then started to waltz by herself and sing. It was adorable. The sound dropped out every so often and she told me you have to stomp the floor to make it work. Then she did this little like half jump. I am going to be just like her when I'm older. Granny afro and scarves galore.

us

looking through the photographs of us together makes me cry every time. I miss who you used to be;I've decided to tell the world.

Come back to me.

gold: "Hipstercrite: How To Have a Hipster Thanksgiving"

Hipstercrite: How To Have a Hipster Thanksgiving: "I know I said that I would stop using the word, 'hipster'. You're tired of it, I'm tired of it, WE'RE ALL F'ING TIRED OF IT! However, I cou..."


I effing love Hipstercrite.

f@*#ing incredible

http://www.goodfuckingdesignadvice.com/index.php?adviceID=62

listen up.

I WANT THIS FOR CHRISTMAS SO BADLY


SO SO BADLY

HINT
HINT
EVERYONE
HINTTTTTT


25 bucks. here:
http://store.goodfuckingdesignadvice.com/product/good-fucking-design-advice-poster-black


or ummmm, I really like the red, limited edition better. ummmm.its 35 bucks. ummmmm Micah? Anyone?

ahem.

listen, I can't ask my mom for this shit!

on a brighter note

I downloaded Kanye's new album yesterday(the day it came out). I was so excited for its arrival that I actually paid for it. Amazon has it this week for only 4 bucks, 8 for the deluxe edition. Get it while it's hot(but don't worry, it's on fire...so punny, paige!)

this

Litsa rocks for sending me this. Unfortunately the k got cut off, but I'm going to consider it a serendipitous censorship.

So speaking of expletives..I officially have to restart my whole book for Design 400. Just in case you were wondering I had it entirely done. All 60 pages. Oh, and by the way...I have to start over for 351 as well. Life is super awesome! I am so stressed that I find myself avoiding productivity in any way I can... Like last night when I spent over an hour researching math anxiety and how I can convince disability services to excuse me from Math 113 next semester.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

stupid

Just read through a couple of semi-recent journals(spanning the last couple of years) and wow...depressing much?
I feel that if I could sum up everything I've been saying for two years it's that I depend so much upon the love and company of others to bring me happiness that when they leave(and they always do), I'm left clueless as to who I am or what I'm doing. and really, what the fuck am I doing?

carly simon said it first

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and


You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?


I know you do.

truck stop

For a book I'm making for typography, I had to photograph some trucks at a truck stop.I approached a truck driver and asked him if I could photograph his rig(notice my clever, discreet, and awkwardly placed jargon) and he replied in broken English "I get in truck?" He was an adorable older man of probably 70 and of eastern eurpean decent. I photographed for a couple of minutes and took many secret photos of him before realizing I had it on some super funky shutter speed that made every picture look practically white. I took a few more but he had caught onto my shady ways and steered clear of the frame. Afterward,I stood on the sidewalk and photographed the lot of parked trucks and incoming trucks. This attracted lots of attention from the eager truck drivers who probably hadn't had sex since forever and waved so hard at me I'm surprised their arms didn't fall off. There was one in particular that was quite adamant in his gestures that Sara and I come socialize.It wasn't long before he started walking toward our car. We quickly made our getaway lest we become the latest kidnap/rape headline. God forbid that these shots don't turn out and I have to go back.

weird

There are/have been so many couples about whom I've always thought "I believe in their love" This might seem really strange but I just have this uncontrollable urge to romanticize their situation, usually without knowing very much about it. Even if they break up I'm like "WTF I BELIEVED IN THEIR LOVE." This most likely stems from too much free time or too many Disney movies as a child(who am I kidding I still watch too many Disney movies), but sometimes I have to wonder if someone out there is thinking the same thing about me and crossing their fingers. To that hypothetical person,thanks.

apple store

As soon as I walk in, the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. I can just about smell the communism.

papa

listening to foreigner, boston, and journey. my father would be so proud. Micah is throwing me bored looks as I use my phone as a microphone and gesticulate wildly.

bad choices

I'm broke as shit and you know the first place I'll be spending this paycheck? Nostalgia, Amvets, and Disc Exchange. Triple delight.

epic

I am not sure how to feel after being woken up from my nap by a very loud rendition of "I Want Candy" complete with a beat banged out on the washing machine. I already feel like no one knows I live here, but really?


I am still missing half the cameras I passed out for my graphic design project.I go to my old middle school every day to see if there are any more turned in. At this point it's probably harassment. I still have three books to make by the end of the semester. I still can't take this shit seriously. Here goes a bumpy ride to December 7th.


positive note: I can't stop listening to Midlake. It makes me feel like I'm in The Last Unicorn. I'm sure my room mates really enjoy it too. They definitely don't already think I'm weird as fuck.

this is what I think about that

"The way you look should be a sin, you a sensation"
-Ye

I cannot explain how much I'm looking forward to Kanye's new album. He's an asshole. But c'mon these beats are sick

guilty

The fact that I am so busy that my 90 year old grandmother thinks I don't think about her anymore makes me want to sob.

halloween pt 1

"Are you a real bunny, or a playboy bunny?" I got this question all night.

sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why I can't do 10 things at once, why I feel like life is beating me by a few thousand points, and why there are constant dark circles under my eyes. Then I remember that I am merely human. So, world, please keep this in mind the next time you think about taking another shit on me.

freakout

I just had a major freak out because my power cord would no longer fit its port on my computer. I held it up to the light, and it looked like maybe I'd smushed it somehow(I just might have dinged it a few times this week...). I have a LOT to do on my computer tonight and this weekend and began to think of the unbearable thought of being without it and all the money and time it'd take to fix it. I called my mom and started explaining the problem when I realized the port wasn't smushed, there was a staple that had gotten attracted to the magnet inside it. Problem Solved in like 2 seconds. Sigh. This is really not new to me, because every day I flip out thinking I lost my keys, wallet, or sunglasses, only to find them in my purse a few seconds later.

judge me

Because I'm judging myself. I just applied to be a jello shot server at southbound. I really don't know if this is on the same level as Cotton Eyed Joe's shooter girl, but they did ask for a picture with my resume. I decided against slutty and went for a plain headshot. I have a feeling that "Proficient in InDesign, Illustrator,Photoshop,and Microsoft Word" aren't really going to matter, unless to over qualify me.I can feel Leah throwing me disapproving looks, all the way from Ohio.

ugh.

I have the most bullshit major on the entire planet.

wisdom

I wish I had wiser words to say.

:[

I got mad at Micah yesterday and told him I put a hex on him(obviously I really didn't). Tonight he got a terrible headache/fever and was throwing up. I can't help but feel a bit guilty :[

beast

I just killed a queen ant with my bare hands. Actually, I just picked it up and threw it off the bed. It most likely died in the process. I feel empowered just a little, but this probably just indicates a rise in my laziness, as I really didn't want to run to get a kleenex.
I should probably wash my hands.

bahahaha

Yesterday I went to four different printers trying to print the reading material for my next class. All of them were bitches and none of them would print. The studio ate a whole 12 cents, and being in the mood I was, I laid the botched copies it had given me on the desk and wrote in red marker "Paige, pberry1, needs 12 cents credited back to her account. Thanks!" Yes, I knew the ridiculousness of what I had written and knew that nothing would be done about it. I more or less forgot about it.

Today I got an email that read:"A Credit of $0.12 has been added to your account on the VolPrint System."

Now I feel like a real ass. But not really, because this is hilarious.

healthy

So in light of some added poundage since freshman year, I'm making an effort to make small dietary changes and work my way to bigger ones. This morning I had the most disgusting fruit and yogurt parfait ever. It really made me wish I'd splurged for that bagel. Oh wait... I usually do. Every day. Fuck you Einstein's Bagels. I effing love/hate you.


A shout out to Leah for making me piss my pants with laughter this morning over an old video of our vacation the summer after senior year :]

ugh

I feel like I'm in some final destination shit. Bad things keep happening, but I seem to narrowly escape serious injury. For example, yesterday I started my car while pumping gas, and today I fell down a slope and nearly killed my ankle. But here I am, living and breathing. And here is my non-sequitur: I wish to be anywhere but here.

stupid

Yesterday while in BFE with Micah, We passed a wedding in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere. There were mostly pick-up trucks and a few good 'ol boys and for whatever reason this struck me as hilarious. Which is why I shouted(I thought I was speaking relatively softly, but Micah informed me otherwise)"THIS IS HILARIOUS" and proceeded to take a few photographs. Micah promptly scolded me into believing I ruined their wedding day and everyone heard me. I am still thinking about it. How do I always end up being the asshole?

big stuff

Wednesday night was Sound Off and we couldn't have asked for a better show. Johnny Astro and The Big Bang melted faces and took names. They won first place and get to move on to the finals. I think I might have cried tears of joy, just a little. This is such a big deal for them! I took thousands of pictures and managed to get SOME really good ones. It was pretty hard because of the lighting situation. I saw Lauren there, Sara came, and we both got wristbands for beer which is pretty baller. Everyone was in such high spirits after the show. It was the best time I've had in a while. Yesterday we came to Petersburg, which was much-needed relaxation. I laid in the hammock literally all day and slept or cuddled the kitty cat, after taking some gorgeous pictures of the countryside. Tonight we are headed to the boro where I'll get to see my lovely friend Laura and make use of the new 21 year old's driver's license ;]

unbelievable

I made a poster for design 400 and used sugar lettering I had to go to two different stores to find as the type. I glued them on carefully and left it on the kitchen table to dry. it was lovely.


UNTIL MY ROOMMATE'S DOG FUCKING ATE THE LETTERS RIGHT OFF THE POSTER


HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER

awkward moment with GD prof pt 2

I rolled out of bed and into design class this morning, and once there began to guilt everyone that hadn't made it to my 21st birthday party. Jacob asked me how it was and I was like "I was hurling into the sink while Micah rubbed my back and talked conversationally to everyone else in the kitchen." My design teacher walked in at "hurling." I guess it didn't shock her since the last conversation she overheard I announced I would be having a kegger and occasionally pee with the door open when Micah's around. Sigh. I can't win.


BUT Epic birthday party. I found out Micah's calling is crepe paper decorations and my desire to be a heavyweight drinker will never be realized. downside: sketchy people sleeping on my couch and having to kick them out in the morning. Also I felt like a butted heads with an eighteen wheeler the next day. No regrets!

lame

My birthday is just causing problems for everybody.

concerned

Last night my 8 year old cousin informed me that some kid in his class that was mean to him had " a blabbermouth the size of Canada....no, Asia, no the UNIVERSE" and that he wants to "put him in a meat grinder and throw the remains in an incinerator." Also he wants to "cut his butt off and glue it his face" I told him I was sure he didn't mean that and he assured me he did. Cough. Kids say the darndest things...?

faith

I may be regaining my faith in the bus system. I only waited like three minutes this morning. This is vastly different from the time the bus driver looked me in the eye and passed right by me. My dad might have made a phone call. And threatened to make it into a news story. I love my father.

please?

Will someone please appease me by playing either Candy land or Apples to Apples with me? Please. I will give you....a high five. That is all I can afford to give you. I also give awesome hugs and have a shelf full of snacks.

because I can't say it to you

Because it's awkward and I feel like it's not my place. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault, and it will be okay. Breathe, and take time to heal. Sometimes terrible things happen without reason and I wish I had an explanation ;I know you are wishing for the exact same thing. It's all part of a bigger plan(or at least that's what I'm hoping). I wish I could be there for you in a better way.

puppylove

NILLABADILLA! My bestest frann.

so close

sara is makin fun of me

for dancing in the studio to this song.

props to drew d. for introducing this to me, and to micah for putting it on my itunes <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLfwEp7vij4

Quitting Retail and Getting a Nose Ring

First of all, I'm not sure why I capitalized the title of this post, considering the fact that I never do that. Anyway, I am finally done with Godiva, and though I will miss endless amounts of chocolate, here are the things I will not miss:

-screaming children
-parents who allow their children to scream
-parents who tell their kids the gems are samples
-parents who act like kids
-frat guys assuring me they aren't gay
-people who wont get off their cell phone
-people who dont use words, only gestures
-people who assume I'm their personal slave
-people calling truffles "balls"
-people who scream at me about the prices(that I don't make)
-being underpaid and under-appreciated
-being a target because I didn't drop out of school for retail
-people who grab strawberries with their bare hands and then decide not to buy them
-old people who think im stealing their identity when i ask to sign them up for the rewards club
-freezing my ass off
-washing dishes
-being harassed for samples(by people who never buy anything)
-people who look at me like im retarded when i say hello, can I help you with anything?
-people in general
-corporate bullshit
-hating christmas by the time christmas comes
-people literally fighting over who gets the last Godiva bear at Christmas
-staying late at the mall for holiday hours
-getting yelled at because your grandkids wont get their chocolate santa, because you waited until Christmas Eve and we're out
-getting asked if we sell coffee
-getting asked what a "dehcaydense"(decadence) is
-hearing it pronounced Go-dee-vuh
-hearing people say" Five dollars for a strawburry! I can go ta Walmart and get some burries 'n Hersheys for halfa that!"
-the girl who thinks we are Starbucks and orders "A Dark Chocolate Decadence with light caramel, light ice, no whip, and chocolate instead of caramel syrup in the cup"

So, in honor of potentially losing five pounds due to no more Godiva, I got a new nose ring. It is a hoop, which I've always wanted but couldnt have because Godiva wouldn't let me. My hole grew crooked and really small because I was retarded and messed with it too soon while it was healing when I first got it. So, because of this, the girl had to essentially guage my hole two sizes bigger.Which hurt. A lot. Way more then when I got it pierced. BUT Saint Tattoo is awesome and very helpful and I'd do it all again. Check out how cute it is! :]

stress

Its one of those days that no matter what I do or what happens, I feel unoriginal, lost and without promise. I feel totally isolated and I think I may only feel better when something bad enough happens to trigger a good let-it-all-out cry.

Janis Ian

Another great discovery from my mom's record collection. This used to be one her favorite songs , and I think I might be in love with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMxJ1jjbUUM

you owe it to yourself to give it a listen(cough cough Leah, Lisa, and Sara)

awesome

The same weekend as my birthday party is some other epic party in the fort. There goes my guest list. Am I in a time warp? Because with things as shitty as they've been, I might be back in highschool, in my scrawny,poorly dressed freshman body, schlepping down the hallway while recieving dissapproving stares from the entire student body.

bathroom dilemma

Word to the wise: Always check your bathroom stall surroundings before speaking aloud in the ladies room.

Today,as Sara and I were entering the A&A restroom, we were talking about the possibility of a keg at my 21st birthday party. Her boyfriend had offered to buy it as a gift, and I was telling her to make sure to let me know if he decides to do so, so I don't buy it myself unknowingly. At this point I enter my stall and continue talking to Sara two stalls over.

"I mean if he wants it to be a surprise, just have him tell Micah"

Sara:" Or I mean....he could just tell me"

Me:"Well I guess that's true. I'd say you and me are on the same level of closeness as me and Micah anyway. Except I pee with the door open in front of Micah, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take our relationship to that level."

Sara sheepishly laughs from the end stall....

We emerge from our respective cubicles, and who is standing between us washing her hands at the sink?

Thats right, my design 351 professor. Who now knows I am having a kegger, and that I pee in front of my boyfriend. I stared hard at the sink to avoid eye contact.Poor Sara knew she was in there the whole time, but obviously couldn't say anything to stop me from word vomiting everywhere.

Things could be a little awkward from here on out....Good thing being in the art building pretty much guarantees she isn't conservative(this is what I'm hoping for anyway).

Happy Monday

come back to me

summer 2007

my beautiful grandmother, Celia

the loveliest lady in the world. You would be lucky to know her.

TVF/Charlie Daniels

I haven't been to the fair for two years and therefore was super stoked at the prospect of going this year. My excuse for not going these past couple of times has been lack of time, and lack of anyone that wanted to go with me. This year Micah agreed to go with me, so naturally I had this very ideal image of me walking around with a me-size teddy bear Micah won for me and putting away some cotton candy while contemplating riding the Himalya for the 10th time. I was oh so very wrong....

Micah and I couldn't find anyone to go with us. Everyone was doing something called "homework" so it turned into a "date." Only, not so much, because the tickets were free and we only paid for parking, and a few dollars for saratoga chips(YUM) and a caramel apple. Micah didn't want to rde the rides because the tickets were too expensive, and I didn't want to ride alone. Lauren and I used to be fair addicts. Our parents would drop us off with 4o bucks and we'd buy an unlimited ride wristband and as much cheap jewelry and fried food as we could with the remainder. So...In light of my past fair experiences, I was initially disappointed.


HOWEVER.

We did meet Charlie Daniels.


And watched his entire show from backstage, just feet away from Philip Fulmer.Have I ever mentioned my dad has the most awesome radio job in the whole world? And is the shit in general? I will never have anything bad to say about him or his occupation as radio-expert-of-the-world.

I also forgot to mentioned that I petted a little chick and duckie at the petting zoo. And have decided I will one day own an alpaca.


Lastly, I raided all my moms records last night and must now recommend one of my mothers favorite songs from the 70s(if you know my mom, prepare to crack up)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONXQbbJJLuM&feature=related

Inspiration

Rick Ross+Jay Z+John Legend=the hottest of hot shit


He without sin shall cast the first stone
So y’all look in the mirror
Double check your appearance
Bitch I said I was amazing
Not that I'm a Mason
It's amazing that I made it though the maze that I was in
Lord forgive me I never would’ve made it without sin

-Jay-Z

please don't make fun of me, but due to lack of sleep and my extreme love for this song...I tear up every time I hear it haha.

asshole.

Today,I turned in a written critique to the author(a classmate) of the short story we workshopped in my fiction writing class today. I didn't like the story at all and I thought the characters were contrived and the dialogue forced. I said this in a more constructive, direct way in the paper I gave her. Turns out, the whole class LOVED it. RAVED about it even.The teacher said she wanted to "steal lines from it." I was the only one who had negative feelings toward it. Did I mention my name was at the top of my critique? I am waiting for the death threats to start pouring in.

socially awkward

Examples of how I have been robbed of any social grace by graphic design.


No one understand when I say things like:

"Whoa, look that the weight of that stroke in the L, how beautiful!"

"The disconnect of the juncture in that P makes the letterform really open"

"You overused Helvetica"

"The stroke around that letterform really detracts from it's elegance"

"The negative space isn't activated in this composition"

"But what is this SAYING"

So no one should be surprised that today when I ran into an old high school classmate at Panera, I had literally nothing to say. She started asking me about my job(where I was headed after grabbing my bagel). There were painful silences where I should've been making small talk, so I asked,"So, how was rush?" She said, "...I'm not in a sorority." I naturally assume that anyone more popular that me at my private high school is in a sorority now.

She adds, "I am a Young Life leader"

My famous response: "Oh....that's...productive"

They shouldn't let me outside of the A&A building.ever. I have all the bagels and socially awkward arty friends I could ever need right there.

um.um.yes.shoes.yes.

found at the wonderful modcloth.com

yeahyeahyeah

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.


-death cab for cutie

bumbumbumbum

I want to become talented at playing bongos/african drums.

Also, I turned in my two weeks to Godiva on wednesday! FU retail!

Story #2 for Fiction Writing class

This was so opposite from the other nights we shared together. Typically we sat on my wide-paneled hardwood, sipping cheap white wine until our ankle bones hurt from our cross-legged stance. Occasionally we’d break out Yahtzee, but usually the dice fell no further than my fingertips . I tumbled them around in my moist palms and listened to the sound of ivory on ivory when the conversation became slow.

I remember the first night she told me, there in my room. There was really no reason for it but to hear the way the syllables came together. There was no reason for this kind of absolution. I couldn’t stand to see her look at me that way, pleading. She already knew I loved her. She already knew. Hearing her say it seemed profane somehow.

The water was so warm on this night. We wiggled our toes in the murky green liquid and spoke in flat tones that carried across the lake. I always hated the way the bottom floor felt and for that reason had avoided swimming here, but tonight was an exception. This was her place. She brought me here and I knew that this was going to be our secret. This was something sacred.

After she couldn’t stand it any longer I watched her slip into the water. I imagined the squishy floor between her bony toes as she treaded further away from me. She didn’t turn around and I didn’t call out to her. I noticed the way her white linen dress billowed around her. I watched as the water embraced her small frame. I noticed the way the ripples enlarged to infinity and then to nothingness. I watched until all I saw was a sheet of glass. I sat there for minutes, hours, forever. I listened to the stillness and thought of how I loved her.

awesome

Email to my Fiction writing teacher:

Dr.Hoffer,
I won't be in class today. I'm having a crazy allergy flare-up and they just fit me in at the doctor's. I will get notes/an overview from a classmate. I noticed we have a prompt due for tuesday over death and dying. Are there any particular parameters I should be mindful of?

Thanks so much,
Paige Berry

her response:

Hi Paige,

The death and dying scene should be a one page scene in which someone dies, and it's due today, but you can bring it for Tuesday.

Dr.Hoffer


Awesome. I work every day this week and have no time for the 10 or more hours of homework I have for the weekend. Even more behind, even less sleep.No social life. Still feeling like design has completely escaped me. I'm going to drop out and work at In-N-Out. At least then I'll be out west.

Wilco kind of day

I am looking forward
Toward the shadows tracing bones
Our faces stitched and sewing
Our houses hemmed into homes
Trying to be thankful
Our stories fit into phones
And our voices lift so easily
A gift given accidentally
When we’re not sure
We’re not alone

-You Are My Face

P.S.

Everything in my closet had babies, and therefore my closet is now population:EXPLOSION

speed

I am about to go meet leah at starbucks and therefore am writing this in like 2 minutes. This really isn't necessary, except I feel I'm being disloyal to my blog by neglecting it these past couple of days. First of all, I'm having a really hard time prying my ass from my ever so comfy bed, while lounging in my favorite leopard print fleece PJs and UCLA hoodie. I will be going from slob to decent in like 2 minutes. Today as been a good day due to a lunch outing with Micah and the parentals at cracker barrel. I probably gained 20 lbs, but whatever, the maternity section at target is actually pretty cute. The guy across the street was blasting classical music and painting a few minutes ago. I'm sad he stopped. I tried to open my window to hear it better and the breeze felt SO good(hellyes to the coming fall months), but my window apparently doesn't hold itself open and I managed to break my blinds(again) and I think I got some splinters in my finger. I'm way less worried than I should be about all the design stuff I have to do, due to the fact that I just want to drink some gin and watch boomsday fireworks while enjoying this marvelous weather. Happy labor day :]

good shit

These guys are awesome. I'm not at all biased because my boyfriend is the drummer. cough. But they are awesome and you should check out their new shit.


BAM

first fiction writing assignment-too lazy to code indentions and paragraph breaks

Looking back, it seems odd that we should have been there. The morning was fresh, like us, and I couldn’t help but feel that we were on the cusp of something different. The truth of the matter was that you always stayed the same. You were constant. It seemed superfluous that after all this time we continued to stumble through formalities. It seemed awkward, like a first-day roll call.

“How was the interview?” I asked.

You seemed hesitant to answer. I took the opportunity to notice your ever-changing, ever-constant appearance. Your thin white tee shirt had some light brown stains around the collar. It didn’t seem to phase you, and it didn’t seem to matter that it should have been different around me. Things like that always annoyed the hell out of me. I was in hate with your nonchalance.

“It was fine. Quick. I think they liked me, but I won’t know anything until tomorrow.”

“Did they sound like they could offer you some decent hours?”

We had taken a shower together that morning. I let the hot water beat against my face and ignored the sting. You just stood there, as if observing. I could see you shivering out of the corner of my eye. I had the right to be selfish. You didn’t raise a protest, but I could tell you sensed my new posture. We were always naked to each other, and yet we were so blind to the intricacies of our own downfall.

“I guess so,” you said.

“You guess so? Did they not elaborate? What’s with you and your one word answers?”

You stared hard out the window and toward the street, as if projecting yourself away from here and now. I knew you hated when I prodded you. I felt like a mother scolding her child. I felt so responsible for you. I tried to believe that you were fragile. You turned your gaze back to the dark brown liquid before you and made horizontal lines in the sugar that I spilled onto the table.

“I told them that I would take as many hours as they’d let me have. I told them this was a good opportunity while I wait for you.”

I knew you had to have seen me touch the stack of bills on the side table as we shuffled out of the bathroom. I wanted you to believe it was a subconscious gesture. I couldn’t tell you the truth. I couldn’t stand to see you trembling. I needed you to leave.

I always craved either the pull of your absence or the pain of your presence.

“Wait for me? That was a convenient excuse wasn’t it?”

I watched the muscles in your neck strain and release, like a sort of dance. I loved these moments. I loved your reaction. I needed it. It was all we had, really. Everything else had seemed to dissipate before our eyes. It might’ve happened last week. Maybe it was last year. I knew this was your brick wall moment. I knew I had to push this to its boiling point. That was my role. You gave it to me.

“It must be nice. What’s it like having no responsibility, not having a real fucking job? You can’t take anything seriously. Are you capable of being serious? Are you even listening to me? I know you’re doing it right now. Putting up that goddamn wall of yours. How the fuck are you going to mooch off of me forever and think I’ll just let it happen? Do you honestly think I want to take you with me to California with how things are between us? I really don’t know why I waste my fucking time.”
We have played it out perfectly, just the way we know how. I slide the creamer to the edge of the table and you lean back in your chair. The silence takes its place just as we knew it would. This is tomorrow, the next day. This is last week. This is a year ago, and we’re so certain of the uncertain.

tired of the following:

not being included
being tired
pretentious people
hipsters
an unhealthy importance placed upon knowledge of pop culture
people in general
retail
dog hairs on/in/around the sink. bathtub, and floor
sorority girls
frat boys
living in the ghetto
taking showers
frozen meals
socks
underwear
boredom
being overwhelmed
feeling stuck
knoxville
my "scene"
feeling like a boring person
living under a rock aka not ever knowing new music and being chastised for it
left-hand turns
parallel parking
eating
uneducated people
fake people
not getting to see my friends
seeing my friends hurting
the bus system
the heat
allergies
bullshit
being broke, being broke ,being broke
have a major where a 3 hour class means 6 hours a week plus 6 hours outside of class
lithography
hygiene
makeup
social standards
shaving
being yelled at for my choice of bagel at Einsteins, by the Einsteins people
indecision
overconfidence
self-doubt
my wardrobe
the party scene
the mall
people who act entitled
mispercieving situations
the noisy ass washer/dryer

that's probably enough for the moment. I'm going to TRY to sleep on this shit.

red light, green light

So, I really didn't think I was all that mentally fatigued, but was proven wrong while taking a late night drive to and from the library this evening. First of all, I left my car door unlocked when going into pilot to pay for my gas. Then, I was waiting to turn left onto sixteenth and heard a honk. I thought it was the girl turning right from sixteenth onto cumberland and didn't understand why she would honk, with no cars in her way. Well I soon realized it was actually me who was the hold-up. I was so zoned out I had been sitting at the green light for a good bit. The car full of frat douchebags screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at me through their open window as they swerved to get around me. My window was open too and I'm sure they noticed my fake horn rimmed glasses just as much as I noticed their retarded frat attire and judged me as I was judging them. I can't say I felt didn't feel a bit injured by the whole thing. I am a very sensitive driver. One time someone flipped me off with BOTH hands and I cried. It has been like an hour and I'm still bothered by it. This just solidifies my distaste for greek life and people in general. Also, the studio closed early tonight so I couldn't print my shit. Eff that.

fancy

No, consistently rude and embarrassing Einstein's Bagels worker lady, subbing a plain bagel for asiago, and veggie for plain cream cheese, does not constitute" being complicated." Wonder how you'd fare at a REAL restaurant.

yeahhhhh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkHPaUKJyDA&feature=player_embedded

"Get nasty, you nasty apple!"

Oh, what we watch in design.

I cried

http://vimeo.com/13768695

wish

I honestly wish I could speak fluent ebonics and have people take me seriously. I could pull my sneaks off so much better this way.

could band of horses please stop being so awesome?

Because I can't listen to much else right now.

cheese

"Cheese!Cheese!Who doesn't want more cheese?!"
-Deb, my Design 400 prof. during today's critique.

shit's getting real in junior design.

I call this: "Silence, in celebration of a year long fight", a sonnet wrapped in a memoir, wrapped in an insinuation.

Girls rule, boys drool. I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.I know you are but what am I?! Nananabooboo, you meanie,asshole mother!@#$er.

side note

If you are 14 and post on your facebook that you are "the champion of beer pong" I will laugh at you and call you a liar. You can't even drive yet. You can't even work yet, unless its maybe at Chick-fil-a. I am nearly 21 and suck beyond all suckage at beer pong. So, this cannot be true. Now, go play with your webkinz and silly bandz.

rain

It was pouring on my way home from work, which pretty much figured, considering the way things are going. I was thinking of just standing outside in it fully clothed once I got home as a form of catharsis(I was mostly drenched already anyway), but of course it stopped by the time I reached my street. That also figures.

I worked with Leah today and bought her a cute cupcake key cover. Both of these things made me extraordinarily happy.

Currently listening to Band of Horses as a means of therapy. This has become a near-daily habit.

impressions

This seems to be a week of impressions. By this I mean I think I'm trying so hard to make good impressions that I actually end up making bad ones. I accidentally knocked my new roommate's bobby pins down the sink drain and feel oddly obsessed and worried about it. I want to do so well in my classes that I feel frozen when it comes to starting the assignments. I want my creative writing professor to think I'm creative so badly, that I feel my introduction paper, which is meant to be brief and concise, will be entirely bland and will feel like an awkward ice breaker. Today Caleb told me the key is believing that I'm superstar(lol). I think I'm going to keep around more people that tell me nice things. It could have a subconscious, or even conscious effect on my negative outlook. I think I'll take the karma approach and start going out of my way to be nice to others. Who knows, their week could have been even shittier than mine.

Really?

So apparently graining a stone for lithographic purposes is ridiculously physically taxing.I will have arms of steel by December. I am sure of this.

Also today I managed not only to drive 20 something miles to a remote, for which I was going to be drastically late, only to have to turn around and drive for another hour, BUT I got a parking ticket too! OH and I can't forget the cancellation of my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. This week is AWESOME.

Second Day of Junior Year

Highlights/Interesting moments of my day:

-Einstein's bagel with strawberry cream cheese/skinny chai
-Being hardcore shut down when trying to say hello to an old classmate...didn't like him anyway...
-Deb telling us in not so many words that our life is now to leave, eat, breathe, and die for the typographic cause....and the subsequent heart attack when she gave us the assignment brief.
-falling asleep at my studio desk and actually setting an alarm to wake up in time for english. There was drooling involved.
-The creative writing teacher saying that she reserved the right to answer our phone if it rings in class, and that we have the same privilege, however, it will probably just be her mother calling to ask where her granchildren are. Also she made us cite our favorite music in the ice breaker so she could "start judging us immediately." I like her.
-ANOTHER Godiva customer calling truffles "them balls"

struggle

Seeing laughing, happy couples is nauseating to me. Seriously. I know that this probably makes me a selfish, sad person, but I feel that if someone were to examine my situation and see the emotional treadmill that I am on, they would understand. I just can't understand why heart break becomes a necessary part of life. They warn you early on that your first love will undoubtedly steal your heart and shortly after, break it. But what happens when it becomes a pattern? When everyone you offer that secret corner of your heart turns from co-conspirator to traitor in the game? I know there is the line of thinking that our experiences shape us to become stronger, better people, but what if the blows that life deals us become so powerful that we begin to lose the knowledge of how to get back up again? I am very blessed to say that have wonderful people in my life that love me without condition or prejudice. However, recently, I've started to wonder what happens when people with no support network whatsoever are tossed into a situation they cant handle? I'd say that it becomes a character defining or character breaking experience. Is this what I need? To remove myself from my safety zone to deal with my trials? Will this finally give me the courage I need to choose the right path? I honestly feel that no matter where I take my heart, my past is chasing behind me, breathing heavy down my neck.

comfort

Psalm 139 (New International Version)

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

tough

I hate making decisions. Especially ones that change the course of everything I know. But seriously, something's gotta give for the sake of my own sanity.

sex candle.

I bought a candle today in a lovely little french store. Let me just tell you that this is literally the most intoxicating candle I have ever smelled or ever will. It smells like a sexy, muscular, rugged, tanned, european man. It is called Suede Blanc and it is by Voluspa. It comes in the most ornate tin and the wax is made of apricot and coconut. Here is the description on the tin: "Buttery soft sueded leather and rich cedar combine in a blend that is both exotic and refined." I have probably taken the lid off the candle to smell it at LEAST 20 times today. It's becoming a problem.


I have to also highly recommend the 3-wicked goji and toracco orange candle by voluspa. My reason for not purchasing this one was a simple lack of funds, not want-to. When I had to decide between having my room smell like a tropical forest or a rugged european hottie, the choice seemed obvious.

btw

3 Musketeers wrappers are apparently see-through, as Sara just found out while eating her fluffy candy bar over her keyboard.I'm sure she would've been more careful if it were a mac, right Sara? ;]

crystals.

Today Sara and I went into this crystals and healing store. The kind that sells like a million different kids of aromatherapy candles that all smell like hippies, you know the kind. Well, I asked if the crystals on the chains were pendulums and the ladies working said yes and asked if I had ever tried it. I said that I had, but using a letter guide, sort of like a ouija board.At the time I had done it before, I felt that it was a bad decision and still feel this way, but for some reason when she took it off of it's stand and instructed me in how to use it I didn't protest. She had me hold my arm steady and ask it to give me a yes or a no(if yes, it swung up and down,no was side to side). Then she told me to ask if if these were my angels and spirit guides only. It said yes. Then she told me to ask it a question to which only I knew the answer. I did, and it gave me a no. I then asked it again(in my head) If I would be a successful graphic designer and it said yes. The ladies were very nice and explained that the crystals(my particular one being a citrine) work off of our own personal energy. She said that this whole process could even be done with just a penny on a string or a necklace. Despite the good nature of the ladies, I left the store feeling shaken, like a brick had fallen into the pit of my stomach. I don't believe in tampering with the spiritual realm, especially when I feel that what we contact is usually not pure or good, but disguises itself in a way that leads us down a dangerous path. I guess this whole thing seems like a strange post but I can't shake the feeling that I have once again opened the door for something dark. It doesn't help that last night I woke up and saw a woman standing next to my bed. She was coming down a hallway and everything but her was falling away. I screamed and Sara shot up and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't speak and my hands were shaking and sweating. What was so strange was that I had within my mind's grasp such a clear reason to be afraid. I had dreamed something dark just before I saw her, but as soon as I screamed it was like I was tongue-tied for an explanation as to what happened. I'm ready to feel joyful and happy again instead of dealing with these kind of encounters constantly.

new kicks, yo.

So far most people don't like them. My dad said as long as I like them that's all that matters. So yeah. I like them whole bunches.

lines

I forgot a towel at the pool today and layed out(or well pretended to, with my 45 spf) on the plastic slatted chairs. It's been 20 minutes or so since I left the pool and my skin still has liney impressions.Still pale with an extra ounce of embarrassment. Just the way I like it.

loveable

excessive post # 1235678

I think there is a bug that has taken up recent residence in my ear. I hear it clicking. If it was a smart insect, however, It would have predicted that the embarrassing amount of earwax in there does not make for a cozy nook and could very well lead to its demise.

sympathy

If I think someone is pooping in the stall next to me, and I can tell they are trying to cover it up with various commotion such as excessive toilet paper pulling or premature flushes, I make sure to make a lot of noise on my way out, i.e. pumping the paper towel dispenser loudly and repeatedly and running the water for a long time. In Japan they supposedly have machines that play music in the stall if you feed it quarters. Personally, I plan to start carrying a mini boom box that plays Kiss From A Rose by Seal on repeat as I do my business.

VS

I know you don't give a shit about the status of my would-be new swimsuit. BUT. After resolving the backorder issue by ordering the PLAIN, not patterned top, they send me an email saying that all of the sudden this top is also backordered.How is something that is supposedly in stock 2 days prior, all of the sudden in such high demand that I can't get it until fall? Awesome. I was definitely planning to take a nice swim in October. I give up and am asking for a refund. I am using this as motivation to start working out with my soon to be personal trainer(I suck at gyms and honestly need someone to hold my hand and yell at me). Then, next year when I order a bathing suit top online, I won't have to send it back for a different size. sigh.

possible side tattoo?

sunkissed

I, as a practically albino person, venture to say that there is no better feeling than that warm softness your skin gets after being in the sun. Summer, take your time, please.

leap year

I'm really not a movie connoisseur. I never claimed to be. I will watch most anything you put in front of me if it's not too gory. So, with that said, tonight Sara and I watched Leap Year.That's right, a cheap thrills, frilly romantic comedy. Here is what I took away from this movie:

1. If you make any plans whatsoever you are probably an anal retentive control freak.

2.If you are an American you are said self-centered control freak.

3.You have to go to Ireland to fall passionately in love.

4. Said love has to be really elusive and frustrating and entirely unrealistic.

5. Irish accents really, reallllllllly help sell the package.


That said, I now feel completely boring and unfulfilled thanks to a gratuitous chick flick.

Maybe if I stare at this long enough I'll feel better.

rawr.

heartbreak c/o Victoria's Secret

My new swimsuit came right on time in the mail, however there was major backfat happening, and all self-respecting ladies know to never, ever compromise in this situation. So I called to exchange the top, and apparently the rest of Victoria's Secret clientele is also in love with the poesia-aqua-animal-print-retro-style-miracle-bra-push-up swimsuit top, because this particular size and stlye was on backorder until November. NOVEMBER. In three months I will be in sweaters. I will be eating chocolate chip bagels with strawberry cream cheese from Einsteins daily in the Art and Architecture building.I will be building up my layer of winter blubber(to keep warm of course) So.... I settled for the solid poesia aqua. I no longer feel daring in my animal print. I feel drab in my monochrome. But the fact that I still got it is proof that Victoria's Secret has me in their absolute control, starting with the free panty cards, and ending in purchases like today's. Meaning it was tax free day and Sara and I went to the mall, Ross, Home Goods, and Old Navy , and out of all the things I could have purchased, I bought expensive underwear. Judge me.

ADD

There was a really great show at the Pilot Light last night, and who talked it up to everyone? Me. Who completely forgot about the show and sat on her lazy ass all night? Me. Sometimes I amaze myself. I think I need classes to start again so I have something to keep me mentally stimulated. I guess it seems pathetic that I've let my mind go to mush this summer when I could've stopped it. I've been trying to read, and have been mildly successful in my endeavors, but most of the summer I found myself with a late fee and a stack of unread books. I can't really play it off like this is a recent problem. I've done this literally my whole life. I have the attention span of a goldfish. Which reminds me, Mr. Skittles the betta fish has about 2ml of water in which to live.I haven't changed his water in like a full month. I really hate changing his fishy,poopy water and often remind my parents when they comment that he came from puddles in Asia, so he should be just fine. Typically, when I say this they just raise both eyebrows and walk away.

.....yeah.

This is what I found open on the computer this morning. I don't ask questions anymore. After your mom has purchased an industrial waffle iron, nothing seems strange.

weird.

sick.

reminder to self

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS." -I Corinthians 13:1-8a

stoked.

new bathing suit on the way :]

The bottoms are going to be solid, and the top patterned.

So I already went swimming and had cereal and coffee this morning. It's just now 9, I swam at 6am....what's wrong with me?

slap chop and flat tires

Just heard on the slap chop commercial:

"We're going to make America skinny again one slap at a time."

"Quit having boring tuna, quit having a boring life"

"You're going to love my nuts."

There was other hilarious commentary, but I couldn't type fast enough and this guy was speaking very quickly into his pilot-style headset. I really can't make that much fun of it because my mother, queen of QVC and kitchen gadgets, owns this ridic chopping device. I have to say I've used it, and it's pretty handy.


In other news: Tonight on the way back from Cotton Eyed Joe's( they go for the "free beer") Micah's tire went flat, and when he tried to jack it up, the jack slipped twice. He finally got the spare on, and then the spare went flat too. I feel really bad about the whole thing, because I think it was actually indirectly my fault. You see, I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me that he doesn't approve of Cotton Eyed Joe's and the fact that I shell out five dollars to see trashy people ride bulls and dance in lines. Also I think he saw me do the tush push.

balance

The most terrifying moments happen when the realization that life is so fragile becomes too apparent. How could I be so blessed and still have my eyes shut to reality?

hahaha

Just on an old episode of America's next Top Model: "I'm going to think of all the ways I can kill you while you sleep tonight, Giselle. Should it be food poisoning? Cyanide? I just hate you so much." Wow. Maybe I should learn to be so open?

vicarious

I've always thought my friends were the strongest, most beautiful ladies I've known. It seems now that we're all floundering for a reason as to why we've let ourselves down with what seemed a simple compromise.

life.

I'm so tired of fighting for happiness. Isn't love supposed to be easy eventually ? Do we never get to see a return for our pain? I can't believe in a world that could allow for that kind of injustice.

My mom just told me my cupcakes were dry. I would like to make it known that they are very moist. People always seem to kick you when you're down. I guess it's stupid to be upset over that, but regardless, here I sit about to watch The Little Mermaid, going through all my kleenex.

penny bitch

Soo, I am currently dining, if you could call it that at sturbucks with leah. I went to the counter to get a white mocha (lame, generic, I know), and the total came to 4.61. I have 4 dollars and the change, but I really needed a penny as to not break the bigger coins(I was going to give her 2 Quarters, a dime, and a penny). I asked her to borrow a penny saying" Is it trashy to ask to borrow a penny from the tip jar?", (a PENNY), and she gave me this "UMMMM BITCHHHH" look , so I go " Oh....nevermind." As she was handing me the drink I said "Thank You!" and she gave me the blankest, sarcastic...est(a new word..), nastiest stare. I told Leah that karma would get back to her and someone would be nasty to that ridic bitch. Leah said it probably already had considering the mood that girl is in..... So is that like pre-karma? Karma that predicts offenses yet to happen? Anyway, eff that ho.

ahem.WHAT.

You have no excuse not to take advantage of some of the great acts coming to the pilot light in the following months. Also Band of Horses and Rogue Wave in Knoxville?! Holla!

stalker

I'm watching Sex In The City and being jealous of fictional characters while popping semi-sweet chocolate chips into my face. Leah would likely be proud. She wouldn't, however, be proud of the fact that I just face book stalked my entire English Fiction Writing class' roster. That's right. I need rehab.

tempting

11:40 PM is in inappropriate time to make cupcakes.....

graphic

ironic

I already loved Band of Horses version of this song, but this one, along with the video, is incredible. It seems ironic that I was just made aware this is a break up song. I thought it was just another love song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvhDCYFesP0

sense of self

Today I was in line at Sonic and I had this weird moment where I thought about how many Sonics there are in the world, and how there is something unique to every country, and what if the idea of sonic was an anamoly to someone in a different place? I thought about how many people hate America, and how it probably has to do with our insatiable, disgusting greed. And then I realized, I'm at a fast food restaurant right now, and I'm one of those people...every day. Then I thought about how our greed has to do with our time, and just how many people live in our world, and how trying to change their minds would be just about impossible. I thought about how if you looked down from outerspace, from the perspective of a greater being, we are like ants in the cracks of the concrete. I thought of us crawling in frenzy. Then I felt nauseas.

overposting.

How is it that I can be SHIT BROKE and still feel the disc exchange pulling me into it's clutches.


this can only mean I'm a junkie.

rain in my eardrums

Last night Nomen Novum, Cool Runnings, and The Royal Bangs played the pilot light. It was sweaty, it was loud, it was awesome. I highly suggest checking out all three. I expected The Bangs and Cool Runnings to be on top of their game(and they were), but I was like who the hell is Nomen Novum? He is a badass, as I found out. Totally surprising, totally refreshing.


Check Him out.

Download his EP "Go Primal"

RIDIC.

So I was listening to the song "143" on the radio and thought to myself "I've only heard one voice like that before." Of course Ray J is on the track, but I couldn't get over that Bobby Brackins' voice sounded soooo familiar. Well familiarity aside, I youtubed the video to try to understand what the significance of "143" is (it means I love you, by the way). I just about shit myself when I realized the rapper on the screen is the same guy I was introduced to by my friends Marrin and Jessica in California summer after my senior year while I was visiting the Bay Area. We even had lunch with this guy, because he is close friends with Marrin. And now he's on a track with freakin' Ray J!!!!! Crazy World.


Check these out, his voice is crazy. love love love.

"143" Bobby Brackins ft. Ray J

"Skinny Jeans" Bobby Brackins before MTV production

"Skinny Jeans" AFTER MTV production, the difference is crazy!

Nilla

Micah emailed me this a couple weeks ago. Apparently I butt dialed him during a walk with Nilla. Now the world has evidence of how my dog purposefully preys upon the full gamut of my emotions. Listen until the end and you might just be rewarded with fits of laughter.

Voicemail

Why I should never turn 21

I know this post title must seem confusing, because as everyone knows, and soon as I was off the bottle I was craving that good ole tennessee sour mash. Just kidding. Not that early, and also I hate whiskey. But anyway, last night I learned something about myself. In a bartender type situation, if someone takes my glass and says "Here honey, let me take care of that for you" and comes back with a fuller, stronger glass, I will drink it, because.... well just because. This is no good because then I don't realize what I've actually consumed and then there's the whole driving thing... Well, not really because I pawned that duty off on poor little Leah who loves me enough to tolerate my loud ramblings on the way to Micah's. Anyway, in the spirit of one of my favorite country songs(judge me, please)...."No matter what they say I've done, Well I ain't never had too much funnnnnn"

I feel like you want to hear this song...don't you. Let me help you with that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmtOfsYr2hg

Thank me later.

strange day

It's been a weird day. I wasn't surprised at all that we had a thunderstorm. It only seemed appropriate on Kristin's birthday considering how she feels about rain.
It seems my past is following me. At some point it will realize I'm running full speed ahead to somewhere far away from here.

shout out

I want to do a shout out to the following:

1. Rosebud Salve lip balm. Cute tin, miracle properties (seriously, it claims to heal burns and diaper rash, besides being the perfect tint and texture for your lips).

2.Sinful Colors Nail polish. At 1.99 a bottle, and with every possible color imaginable, it has my heart. Not too runny, and not too thick either.

3. Maybelline The Colossal Volum' Express Mascara in Waterproof Glam Black. No Clumps, crazy volume. Pile it on( I'm sorry I ever cheated on it with Great Lash).

4. Salon Grafix aerosol Shaping Hair Spray. Found at Walgreen's, it's brushable, soft, and has a great, inconspicuous hold. Now if we could make it better for the environment...

5. Canvas Shoes of any and all color/pattern. I will love you until you stink so bad the world hates me as I walk by.

6. Nonfat Iced Chais from either Sbux or Panera. Panera's for the sweeter side of things, Sbux for the spicy side. Draining my money daily <3

side note

Note to self: Do not facebook stalk people whose life/pictures will only frustrate you/make you jealous/generally pissed off. That was stupid of you. Now, go sulk. You brought this upon yourself.

dress up

Well, I was going to make cupcakes, and then I ate lunch...and didn't have it in me anymore. However, the blog I discovered, Cupcake Bakeshop by Chockylit is DEFINITELY worth checking out. So many creative cupcakes.

So for the past thirty minutes or so I've been playing dress up. That's right. I am THAT bored....and still as of yet unshowered. I'm trying to muster the will power to become hygienic or at least productive. It may just have to come to uploading a portion of the million photos on my camera(s).

lemons on the chain with the v cuts!

oops.

I don't want to detail out how it happened, but Micah and I accidentally interrupted a funeral procession today. Of course we didn't know what was going on until it was too late. I feel that by confessing, I may find myself absolved....eesh.

Also, Leah disapproves of my Cotton Eyed Joe habit and of my metallic peacock hued nails, but I have no immediate plans to change either.

After watching one too many wedding shows(again) I have this pressing urge to get a makeover/poofy dress.

Finally, God Bless New Jersey, and everything that comes from it. This great state has exponentially added to TV's entertainment value, and indirectly, my own happiness.

Actually Finally, to all those hostile picture seekers, I know it's been ten years since I took pictures of you, your dog, your graduation, your vacation, etc.... once I get past being overwhelemed by uploading 123654789 photos, I will get it done, promise.

unsaid

If I construct hundreds of drafts of hate messages, and don't send them...I say no harm , no foul.

sound

"Well I've been afraid of changing, 'cuz I built my life around you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM7-PYtXtJM

grateful

There will always be the close friends who are there for you and love you no matter if you are wrong or right. The ones who hate who you hate, who love whatever makes you happy.

And then there's that one person who unexpectedly shows up when you're down to let you know they are there. Someone you never would have thought would step in to cheer you up.

I am entirely grateful and flattered to have been blessed by both.

things

Last night I dreamed the world was ending and we were on the run. I also dreamed while making the escape(to where I don't know) I tried to steal my next door neighbor's boyfriend. I haven't ever met my neighbor's boyfriend or thought of him in a sexual way...so that's odd. Also I dreamed I had to not only tell my mother that I was going to die, but reveal to her that I was going to hell because I hadn't lived a Christian life.

Needless to say I am feeling weird today. I have already tried on approximately 4 outfits. The only place I have to go today is the library to return some overdue CDs (image that...ME with a late fee. unbelievable...haha). There could be sushi in my future, but more likely it will be a frozen meal and yet another wedding show via On Demand. I would suggest retail therapy to myself, but I am pretty sure that only works if you have money to spend.

On a lighter note, youtube the PS22 Chorus and prepare to be blown away.

guess what

This morning Micah rolls over and says "what time is it?"

me: "I don't know" "um....8:46"

scarymicah:" what...WHAT?! !@#$ BANG BOOM CRASH"

Apparently his first day at Quaker Steak and Lube began at 9... Thus ensued a frenzied car ride in the rain, with me driving to beat the clock. Needless to say, we barely made it out alive...

But my real hero moment of the day was when I realized I was going to pile drive an adorable turtle into the ground if I didn't slam on my brakes and attempt vehicular suicide by swerving away from this little guy.

When parking to come to his rescue, I came across ANOTHER turtle. I saved two lives today.Make that three if you count Micah....er, his job. Four if you count the fact I didn't die trying to save the other three lives. What the fuck did you do this morning? Indulge in some saturated fats and preservatives? I thought so. I might as well be Bear Grylls.

Haha, that is all.

gypsy feet

My friend Lauren used this term the other day to describe what her granny used to say about her ever present desire to get away. I feel it now more than ever, and can't help but imagine myself on the west coast, in a successful career, with interesting friends and a solid social life. Oh graduation....where are you? I think I just need a little substance to my day to day.

lisa

Lisa is probably turning over in her would-be grave over the amount of blog rules I have broken. I have managed to steer clear of using last names, but I am positive I've broken the other rules. Lisa, as a pro-blogger manages to be funny,witty, and simultaneously vague. I, on the other hand can barely keep my mouth shut in real life, soooo it is not surprising that my blog has taken a turn for the worst. I am actually not sure what one of the rules was, but the most important one was don't get too emotional....fail. Well, positive vague things to talk about....

Leah comes home this Sunday and I feel as though my life is about to fall back into line. Godiva....same old same old. Cranky customers, shitty hours, minimum wage. And during the day I do literally nothing. Maybe I'll get a haircut this week.I think I have a mullet right now. Dear Life, would a little positive energy/excitement be too much to ask for?Maybe a plane ticket to LA, please?

I need a vacation from all this nothing that I've been doing.....

I really feel like painting currently but I'm too lazy to move the frames and lamp off my trunk to dig out my supplies. So what this means is I'll either read or watch lame youtube videos for a while.

to check out the aforementioned, brilliant blogger that is Lisa :

lisafromappalachia.com

departure.

What do you do when you feel yourself being so strongly in one direction, you know departure is necessary and inevitable, but all you can do is run full speed toward the opposite? I've been berated and belittled so many times I can't understand what's true anymore. I wish more than anything to be a clean slate, freed of every experience until now.

speeding ticket.

40 in a 30.

Fuck the police.

Courtesy.

Apparently no one knows what it means to be courteous anymore, i.e. treating others the way you desire to be treated. I always felt returning calls and emails was a no brainer. Not many people in my life seem to agree at the moment, especially craigslisters who would have my heart skip a beat upon seeing their 150 dollar bonnaroo ticket, and then never get back to me. Even if the ticket was no longer available, I feel like if in their shoes, I'd be kind enough to make this known.

Also, to the old man that came into my workplace today and was hateful enough to make me cry, fuck you. Minimum wage is not enough incentive to deal with assholes like you.

home.

Simon and Garfunkel, Indigo Girls, and Sufjan are going to make it ok.

Highschool Graduation, re-visited

If you have ever visited a small town in the south, there are a few givens. The biggest attraction/and or meeting place is the local Walmart,and the people are very friendly, very racist, and very conservative. This is the setting for the scene of my cousin's graduation festivities.

After we drove for 30 minutes to the closest restaurant, we arrived at The Garden Patch, which is made entirely of tin and looks more like a warehouse than a restaurant.It's an all you can eat buffet. The most telling points of the selection were something called "streaked neat" which is fatty bacon deep friend until it's crispy, and fried green tomatoes. I can't knock some good fried green tomatoes, but it was a little hard to stomach with the three different specimens of taxidermy staring at me from the walls.The waiter never seemed to grasp that I, in fact, was not the graduate, seeing as he congratulated me several times and patted me on the back on my way out, saying, "It feels good to make it through twelve years, doesn't it!?" I smiled and thanked him. As we left, I noticed a flag above the register, below which was enscribed

"America: Love It or Leave It!" Did I mention that my grandmother brushed the lint off off my ass in front of all of the fine patrons of The Garden Patch?

Once at the stadium, I made a bee line to the bathroom due to the two giant diet cokes I drank at the restaurant. As I'm washing my hands, two very loud, very large women come into the bathroom. I hear one of them settle in, and(sorry for the graphic description) as the first poop plops into the water she screams WOOOOOOO! I had to leave very quickly to avoid erupting in laughter. As we waited for the ceremony to start,the rules of conduct were announced three separate times over the loud speaker, making me increasingly wary of what they expected to go down. The 8 cop cars didn't help ease this suspicion. There were some rough looking people there that looked like they were very possibly attending their first graduation of any kind.Oh, and it rained.

The rest of our evening was spent drinking coffe and eating italian cream cake while watching the news. In accordance with the same manner in which I have conducted myself for the majority of our visit,I choose not to contradict the ridiculous political assertions of my ultra conservative republican family. Among the most notable of these specualtions are "I bet the spill is terrorism! You know they can swim down there and just blast it!" My dad is currently trash talking Letterman in favor of Leno because "At least Leno takes shots at both sides."

Tomorrow I get to go into the city to see the lovely Lisa, with whom I will escape the craziness while scouring the aisles of Ikea and enjoying lunch in Little 5. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I'm really looking forward to the break.

this is me pretending my updates are important...

news: I PASSED GRAPHIC DESIGN PORTFOLIO.

To those who don't know me, this is one of the single most important achievements in my life. I worked my ass off, and presented a year's worth of work in about ten minutes which determined the course of the next two years, if not the rest of my life. For a while I wasn't sure if I had what it took. It was an emotional rollercoaster of trust and distrust between myself and my creative abilities, and I feel like I've now proved myself, to myself, if you will. The possibilites for my art seem limitless now, and I couldn't be happier.

It seems summer is finally here, arriving much more slowly than I would have preferred. I haven't really done anything except watch Micah and his friends play video games, hang out, and go to work. I took just about forever to unpack my things into my room. This is mostly because I'm a hopeless knick knacker(this sounds better than potential hoarder) and finding a place for everything, especially amongst my endless art supplies, seems daunting at best.

It seems that atthe start of a new season, I should seek out change a bit more actively than I have in the past few busy months. The following are a list of goals to achieve this summer.

1. Read. A lot. Mostly classics, but some brain candy is allowed. And return the books to the library by the due date(and have read them by then).

2. Bake. Not excessively, as this will conflict with the following guideline, but some raspberry lemon cupcakes are most definitely in order.

3. Accept others. Let go of the negativity that might linger from previously existing situations. Make peace with the present.

4. Bike. Drag Leah along if she will agree, and if she won't, chain her to the handlebars so she can't possibly protest the constant whining that accompanies going uphill.

5. Photograph. Especially with the Diana +, but also with the Brownie and 8mm recorder if parts and film are available.

6.Get a haircut.The asymetrical look is getting old.

7. Paint Nails. Often, and without letting them get jacked up as per most nail painting incidents.

8. Expand Design infuences through research.

9.Travel. To Asheville, to Nashville, and to CA, if a plane ticket and some couches become available.

10. Write Letters. No one gets snail mail, but who doesn't love a good letter and I have stationary coming out of my ears.

11. Make a habit of writing, and writing well. No English or writing for school in 2 years is beginning to take it's toll.

12.Run with Nilla. Maybe. I feel like this could be expecting too much of myself.....or well, of Nilla's attention span.

13. Did I mention letting go of negativity? Nostalgia really cannot bring me down this summer.

14. Spend some time alone.

15.Save half of every paycheck.

16. Get a record player.

17.Study some apologetics.

18.Scour plenty of thrift stores.

19.Sponsor a manatee.

20.Begin ice dancing again.

21.Develop a taste for good wine and beer.

22.Lift others up.

23.Actually develop some of my photos.

24.Go to Ijams.

25.Buy a nice plant for my room and have it live for at least two months.

26. Write some sings, sing with other people. Hopefulllllyyyy get something going music-wise.

25.Be content despite inevitable change.

I guess that covers a good bit of ground. It's hard not to look at this list and think of the last summer list I made. The other seemed more ambitious, but it was also made at a time when I was being anything but realistic... I think this summer will be the summer to grow up...And I'm okay admitting that this is something I've yet to finish doing.

rocking the bacon sweater again

Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh.

Also, I found a hair THAT IS NOT MINE in my diet coke this morning. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

html

I hate html. I only googled it back when I was obsessed with formatting my myspace, but long gone are those days and sitting in this html tutorial is killing meeeeeee.

Also, my sweater that I found in the back of Micah's car smells like bacon...or maybe woodsmoke. I decided to wear it despite having not washed it and now I smell like pork even after the sweater is off. Consequently, I am now craving pancakes.

unpredictable

I have maybe the most unpredictable major ever. My design teachers tell you they want one thing, and they next day they forget what they told you, thus changing the level of success of your work, and suddenly you are a monumental, embarassing failure. Or maybe that's just me?

It can go the other way too. For example in 256today, I walk in and my peice looks totally different from anyone else's.I think to myself "of course." I truly feel like lately some cosmic force has taken up arms against me in attempt to thwart any efforts of mine to get ahead.

But then I see him putting the "succesful" peices on the board. He says "this one is a very dynmaic composition"...Wait, what? Mine?

I think I live in a state of confusion anymore.

someone said I would blog this

It was actually said to make me look stupid, like I should be ashamed of my blog, which I'm not. I actually don't give a fuck what anyone reads and how it makes me look or not look. I don't manage your time....so why should the way I manage mine come under scrutiny? And in a related stream of thought, that is actually the purpose for this post, I would never degrade someone's personal beliefs to a couple of sweeping generalizations. I wouldn't judge someone for their lack of belief, a choice made based upon their own personal experiences, so I feel that its unfair and unwarranted to belittle someone that does hold a different set of ideas to be true. There is a way to discuss these things without crossing a line, but taking aspects of a personal belief out of context and restating it in a way meant to make them look stupid is absolutely immature and uncalled for.

sometimes

I want to say goodbye to graphic design and never look back.

love

I love the way dry erase markers smell.so.much.

hashbrowns

Hash browns are actually hash whites unless you use oil to cook them, which I learned today when I used butter instead. Micah said they were "edible." This is why I stick to cookies and cakes and such. This whole story makes me look even worse when I reveal that these were pre-packaged frozen hash browns that actually require little to no effort.

On a side note, my hands look literally diseased from all the ink stains due to excessive last-minute printmaking. Did I mention these inks are carcinogenic? And yet...I can't bring myself to use gloves. This is what we call extreme laziness.

Happy Monday.

a wilco day.

"My blessings get so blurred at the sound of your words"

bagel catastrophe pt 2

Why I hate the new people at Einstein's:

Me:"I'd like a chocolate chip with strawberry and a skinny chai"

Emily, the new girl:"We're out of strawberry"

Me:"Oh...ok honey almond then"

new bagel guy: "Chocolate chip with strawberry on the side"

Me:"No, honey almond"

new bagel guy:"Chocolate chip with strawberry on the side"

Me:"No, honey almond..."

new bagel guy:"Chocolate chip with honey almond on the side"

Me:"No I want it on it"

new bagel guy:"Oh you want the cream cheese ON it?"

Me:"Yes"

five minutes later....and after checking my receipt, which does not have the skinny chai on it.....

"I also asked for a skinny chai"

Emilythenewgirl just looks at me and smiles....and offers to do nothing about it.

"Ok, then. Don't worry about it...I'll survive"

FUCK YOU EMILY AT EINSTEINS.

At 8 am my fragile state of mind cant take anything like this. I almost cried.

toothbrush

We have matching toothbrushes. They don't actually match, but they sit side by side like they go together. His is blue and mine is pink. After crying all I can do is just stare at them. Everything takes on some kind of meaning for me. I don't know that it's healthy, but I don't know that I care much either way.

Lily Allen

"What the fuck do you know? Just 'cuz you're old you think you're wise."

lost

I lost my paint chip which was the basis for my entire sequence of design projects for the next few weeks....and then I found it and you would've thought I'd won the lottery. This, my extreme lack of sleep and irritability, and my desperate need for a shower, are indicative of my future as a designer.

library

My intense need to study people prevents me from studying Spanish 212(in which I have an exam next period). Micah gets annoyed when I say "hi" to everyone I know on campus, but it gives me this secret kind of joy. I think that's what I'm waiting for when I go to the library. I need to somehow know something about each person.

standing

This is coming from the girl who has eaten nothing but Rally's and shit from Einstein's Bagels today, but I think the reason why today was entirely unbearable was there was SO MUCH DAMN STANDING. 8am comes quick to a tired little Paige, and it seems the rest of the day is a fight to the death to make it through.

My design class went to the AIGA 365 show this morning, and of course I didn't have enough money for the meter, and it's snowing and freezing...and once inside Deb tells us that "This is our Christmas and we should be just itching to walk around and touch and analyze everything like it's the best day of our lives." All I can think is.. Maybe with 5 more hours of sleep I'd like this. But you know what Deb? I quit believing in Santa Claus years ago,so can I please go the fuck home? I don't care if this makes me a bad designer. I'm going to assert that it makes me human. Before I could make my stealthy escape some self-righteous bitch who was eavesdropping across the room left her spot to come argue with me over the background color of a poster that I said made the type illegible......

......

So then what felt like soon after, we stood for basically the entire printmaking class watching demos. If I didn't know it before, today was my revelation that I'm terribly afflicted with ADD. I'm going to start taking aderol intravenously carrying around one of those stands like in the hospital. Or ridilin. Or whatever they give kids these days who pretend to have this disorder. Anyway. Now I am in bed grunging it up and wishing to relive the glory of my 50,234 calorie lunch.Also most definitely avoiding any standing whatsoever.