struggle

Seeing laughing, happy couples is nauseating to me. Seriously. I know that this probably makes me a selfish, sad person, but I feel that if someone were to examine my situation and see the emotional treadmill that I am on, they would understand. I just can't understand why heart break becomes a necessary part of life. They warn you early on that your first love will undoubtedly steal your heart and shortly after, break it. But what happens when it becomes a pattern? When everyone you offer that secret corner of your heart turns from co-conspirator to traitor in the game? I know there is the line of thinking that our experiences shape us to become stronger, better people, but what if the blows that life deals us become so powerful that we begin to lose the knowledge of how to get back up again? I am very blessed to say that have wonderful people in my life that love me without condition or prejudice. However, recently, I've started to wonder what happens when people with no support network whatsoever are tossed into a situation they cant handle? I'd say that it becomes a character defining or character breaking experience. Is this what I need? To remove myself from my safety zone to deal with my trials? Will this finally give me the courage I need to choose the right path? I honestly feel that no matter where I take my heart, my past is chasing behind me, breathing heavy down my neck.