first fiction writing assignment-too lazy to code indentions and paragraph breaks

Looking back, it seems odd that we should have been there. The morning was fresh, like us, and I couldn’t help but feel that we were on the cusp of something different. The truth of the matter was that you always stayed the same. You were constant. It seemed superfluous that after all this time we continued to stumble through formalities. It seemed awkward, like a first-day roll call.

“How was the interview?” I asked.

You seemed hesitant to answer. I took the opportunity to notice your ever-changing, ever-constant appearance. Your thin white tee shirt had some light brown stains around the collar. It didn’t seem to phase you, and it didn’t seem to matter that it should have been different around me. Things like that always annoyed the hell out of me. I was in hate with your nonchalance.

“It was fine. Quick. I think they liked me, but I won’t know anything until tomorrow.”

“Did they sound like they could offer you some decent hours?”

We had taken a shower together that morning. I let the hot water beat against my face and ignored the sting. You just stood there, as if observing. I could see you shivering out of the corner of my eye. I had the right to be selfish. You didn’t raise a protest, but I could tell you sensed my new posture. We were always naked to each other, and yet we were so blind to the intricacies of our own downfall.

“I guess so,” you said.

“You guess so? Did they not elaborate? What’s with you and your one word answers?”

You stared hard out the window and toward the street, as if projecting yourself away from here and now. I knew you hated when I prodded you. I felt like a mother scolding her child. I felt so responsible for you. I tried to believe that you were fragile. You turned your gaze back to the dark brown liquid before you and made horizontal lines in the sugar that I spilled onto the table.

“I told them that I would take as many hours as they’d let me have. I told them this was a good opportunity while I wait for you.”

I knew you had to have seen me touch the stack of bills on the side table as we shuffled out of the bathroom. I wanted you to believe it was a subconscious gesture. I couldn’t tell you the truth. I couldn’t stand to see you trembling. I needed you to leave.

I always craved either the pull of your absence or the pain of your presence.

“Wait for me? That was a convenient excuse wasn’t it?”

I watched the muscles in your neck strain and release, like a sort of dance. I loved these moments. I loved your reaction. I needed it. It was all we had, really. Everything else had seemed to dissipate before our eyes. It might’ve happened last week. Maybe it was last year. I knew this was your brick wall moment. I knew I had to push this to its boiling point. That was my role. You gave it to me.

“It must be nice. What’s it like having no responsibility, not having a real fucking job? You can’t take anything seriously. Are you capable of being serious? Are you even listening to me? I know you’re doing it right now. Putting up that goddamn wall of yours. How the fuck are you going to mooch off of me forever and think I’ll just let it happen? Do you honestly think I want to take you with me to California with how things are between us? I really don’t know why I waste my fucking time.”
We have played it out perfectly, just the way we know how. I slide the creamer to the edge of the table and you lean back in your chair. The silence takes its place just as we knew it would. This is tomorrow, the next day. This is last week. This is a year ago, and we’re so certain of the uncertain.

tired of the following:

not being included
being tired
pretentious people
hipsters
an unhealthy importance placed upon knowledge of pop culture
people in general
retail
dog hairs on/in/around the sink. bathtub, and floor
sorority girls
frat boys
living in the ghetto
taking showers
frozen meals
socks
underwear
boredom
being overwhelmed
feeling stuck
knoxville
my "scene"
feeling like a boring person
living under a rock aka not ever knowing new music and being chastised for it
left-hand turns
parallel parking
eating
uneducated people
fake people
not getting to see my friends
seeing my friends hurting
the bus system
the heat
allergies
bullshit
being broke, being broke ,being broke
have a major where a 3 hour class means 6 hours a week plus 6 hours outside of class
lithography
hygiene
makeup
social standards
shaving
being yelled at for my choice of bagel at Einsteins, by the Einsteins people
indecision
overconfidence
self-doubt
my wardrobe
the party scene
the mall
people who act entitled
mispercieving situations
the noisy ass washer/dryer

that's probably enough for the moment. I'm going to TRY to sleep on this shit.

red light, green light

So, I really didn't think I was all that mentally fatigued, but was proven wrong while taking a late night drive to and from the library this evening. First of all, I left my car door unlocked when going into pilot to pay for my gas. Then, I was waiting to turn left onto sixteenth and heard a honk. I thought it was the girl turning right from sixteenth onto cumberland and didn't understand why she would honk, with no cars in her way. Well I soon realized it was actually me who was the hold-up. I was so zoned out I had been sitting at the green light for a good bit. The car full of frat douchebags screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at me through their open window as they swerved to get around me. My window was open too and I'm sure they noticed my fake horn rimmed glasses just as much as I noticed their retarded frat attire and judged me as I was judging them. I can't say I felt didn't feel a bit injured by the whole thing. I am a very sensitive driver. One time someone flipped me off with BOTH hands and I cried. It has been like an hour and I'm still bothered by it. This just solidifies my distaste for greek life and people in general. Also, the studio closed early tonight so I couldn't print my shit. Eff that.

fancy

No, consistently rude and embarrassing Einstein's Bagels worker lady, subbing a plain bagel for asiago, and veggie for plain cream cheese, does not constitute" being complicated." Wonder how you'd fare at a REAL restaurant.

yeahhhhh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkHPaUKJyDA&feature=player_embedded

"Get nasty, you nasty apple!"

Oh, what we watch in design.

I cried

http://vimeo.com/13768695

wish

I honestly wish I could speak fluent ebonics and have people take me seriously. I could pull my sneaks off so much better this way.

could band of horses please stop being so awesome?

Because I can't listen to much else right now.

cheese

"Cheese!Cheese!Who doesn't want more cheese?!"
-Deb, my Design 400 prof. during today's critique.

shit's getting real in junior design.

I call this: "Silence, in celebration of a year long fight", a sonnet wrapped in a memoir, wrapped in an insinuation.

Girls rule, boys drool. I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.I know you are but what am I?! Nananabooboo, you meanie,asshole mother!@#$er.

side note

If you are 14 and post on your facebook that you are "the champion of beer pong" I will laugh at you and call you a liar. You can't even drive yet. You can't even work yet, unless its maybe at Chick-fil-a. I am nearly 21 and suck beyond all suckage at beer pong. So, this cannot be true. Now, go play with your webkinz and silly bandz.

rain

It was pouring on my way home from work, which pretty much figured, considering the way things are going. I was thinking of just standing outside in it fully clothed once I got home as a form of catharsis(I was mostly drenched already anyway), but of course it stopped by the time I reached my street. That also figures.

I worked with Leah today and bought her a cute cupcake key cover. Both of these things made me extraordinarily happy.

Currently listening to Band of Horses as a means of therapy. This has become a near-daily habit.

impressions

This seems to be a week of impressions. By this I mean I think I'm trying so hard to make good impressions that I actually end up making bad ones. I accidentally knocked my new roommate's bobby pins down the sink drain and feel oddly obsessed and worried about it. I want to do so well in my classes that I feel frozen when it comes to starting the assignments. I want my creative writing professor to think I'm creative so badly, that I feel my introduction paper, which is meant to be brief and concise, will be entirely bland and will feel like an awkward ice breaker. Today Caleb told me the key is believing that I'm superstar(lol). I think I'm going to keep around more people that tell me nice things. It could have a subconscious, or even conscious effect on my negative outlook. I think I'll take the karma approach and start going out of my way to be nice to others. Who knows, their week could have been even shittier than mine.

Really?

So apparently graining a stone for lithographic purposes is ridiculously physically taxing.I will have arms of steel by December. I am sure of this.

Also today I managed not only to drive 20 something miles to a remote, for which I was going to be drastically late, only to have to turn around and drive for another hour, BUT I got a parking ticket too! OH and I can't forget the cancellation of my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. This week is AWESOME.

Second Day of Junior Year

Highlights/Interesting moments of my day:

-Einstein's bagel with strawberry cream cheese/skinny chai
-Being hardcore shut down when trying to say hello to an old classmate...didn't like him anyway...
-Deb telling us in not so many words that our life is now to leave, eat, breathe, and die for the typographic cause....and the subsequent heart attack when she gave us the assignment brief.
-falling asleep at my studio desk and actually setting an alarm to wake up in time for english. There was drooling involved.
-The creative writing teacher saying that she reserved the right to answer our phone if it rings in class, and that we have the same privilege, however, it will probably just be her mother calling to ask where her granchildren are. Also she made us cite our favorite music in the ice breaker so she could "start judging us immediately." I like her.
-ANOTHER Godiva customer calling truffles "them balls"

struggle

Seeing laughing, happy couples is nauseating to me. Seriously. I know that this probably makes me a selfish, sad person, but I feel that if someone were to examine my situation and see the emotional treadmill that I am on, they would understand. I just can't understand why heart break becomes a necessary part of life. They warn you early on that your first love will undoubtedly steal your heart and shortly after, break it. But what happens when it becomes a pattern? When everyone you offer that secret corner of your heart turns from co-conspirator to traitor in the game? I know there is the line of thinking that our experiences shape us to become stronger, better people, but what if the blows that life deals us become so powerful that we begin to lose the knowledge of how to get back up again? I am very blessed to say that have wonderful people in my life that love me without condition or prejudice. However, recently, I've started to wonder what happens when people with no support network whatsoever are tossed into a situation they cant handle? I'd say that it becomes a character defining or character breaking experience. Is this what I need? To remove myself from my safety zone to deal with my trials? Will this finally give me the courage I need to choose the right path? I honestly feel that no matter where I take my heart, my past is chasing behind me, breathing heavy down my neck.

comfort

Psalm 139 (New International Version)

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

tough

I hate making decisions. Especially ones that change the course of everything I know. But seriously, something's gotta give for the sake of my own sanity.

sex candle.

I bought a candle today in a lovely little french store. Let me just tell you that this is literally the most intoxicating candle I have ever smelled or ever will. It smells like a sexy, muscular, rugged, tanned, european man. It is called Suede Blanc and it is by Voluspa. It comes in the most ornate tin and the wax is made of apricot and coconut. Here is the description on the tin: "Buttery soft sueded leather and rich cedar combine in a blend that is both exotic and refined." I have probably taken the lid off the candle to smell it at LEAST 20 times today. It's becoming a problem.


I have to also highly recommend the 3-wicked goji and toracco orange candle by voluspa. My reason for not purchasing this one was a simple lack of funds, not want-to. When I had to decide between having my room smell like a tropical forest or a rugged european hottie, the choice seemed obvious.

btw

3 Musketeers wrappers are apparently see-through, as Sara just found out while eating her fluffy candy bar over her keyboard.I'm sure she would've been more careful if it were a mac, right Sara? ;]

crystals.

Today Sara and I went into this crystals and healing store. The kind that sells like a million different kids of aromatherapy candles that all smell like hippies, you know the kind. Well, I asked if the crystals on the chains were pendulums and the ladies working said yes and asked if I had ever tried it. I said that I had, but using a letter guide, sort of like a ouija board.At the time I had done it before, I felt that it was a bad decision and still feel this way, but for some reason when she took it off of it's stand and instructed me in how to use it I didn't protest. She had me hold my arm steady and ask it to give me a yes or a no(if yes, it swung up and down,no was side to side). Then she told me to ask if if these were my angels and spirit guides only. It said yes. Then she told me to ask it a question to which only I knew the answer. I did, and it gave me a no. I then asked it again(in my head) If I would be a successful graphic designer and it said yes. The ladies were very nice and explained that the crystals(my particular one being a citrine) work off of our own personal energy. She said that this whole process could even be done with just a penny on a string or a necklace. Despite the good nature of the ladies, I left the store feeling shaken, like a brick had fallen into the pit of my stomach. I don't believe in tampering with the spiritual realm, especially when I feel that what we contact is usually not pure or good, but disguises itself in a way that leads us down a dangerous path. I guess this whole thing seems like a strange post but I can't shake the feeling that I have once again opened the door for something dark. It doesn't help that last night I woke up and saw a woman standing next to my bed. She was coming down a hallway and everything but her was falling away. I screamed and Sara shot up and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't speak and my hands were shaking and sweating. What was so strange was that I had within my mind's grasp such a clear reason to be afraid. I had dreamed something dark just before I saw her, but as soon as I screamed it was like I was tongue-tied for an explanation as to what happened. I'm ready to feel joyful and happy again instead of dealing with these kind of encounters constantly.

new kicks, yo.

So far most people don't like them. My dad said as long as I like them that's all that matters. So yeah. I like them whole bunches.

lines

I forgot a towel at the pool today and layed out(or well pretended to, with my 45 spf) on the plastic slatted chairs. It's been 20 minutes or so since I left the pool and my skin still has liney impressions.Still pale with an extra ounce of embarrassment. Just the way I like it.

loveable

excessive post # 1235678

I think there is a bug that has taken up recent residence in my ear. I hear it clicking. If it was a smart insect, however, It would have predicted that the embarrassing amount of earwax in there does not make for a cozy nook and could very well lead to its demise.

sympathy

If I think someone is pooping in the stall next to me, and I can tell they are trying to cover it up with various commotion such as excessive toilet paper pulling or premature flushes, I make sure to make a lot of noise on my way out, i.e. pumping the paper towel dispenser loudly and repeatedly and running the water for a long time. In Japan they supposedly have machines that play music in the stall if you feed it quarters. Personally, I plan to start carrying a mini boom box that plays Kiss From A Rose by Seal on repeat as I do my business.

VS

I know you don't give a shit about the status of my would-be new swimsuit. BUT. After resolving the backorder issue by ordering the PLAIN, not patterned top, they send me an email saying that all of the sudden this top is also backordered.How is something that is supposedly in stock 2 days prior, all of the sudden in such high demand that I can't get it until fall? Awesome. I was definitely planning to take a nice swim in October. I give up and am asking for a refund. I am using this as motivation to start working out with my soon to be personal trainer(I suck at gyms and honestly need someone to hold my hand and yell at me). Then, next year when I order a bathing suit top online, I won't have to send it back for a different size. sigh.

possible side tattoo?

sunkissed

I, as a practically albino person, venture to say that there is no better feeling than that warm softness your skin gets after being in the sun. Summer, take your time, please.

leap year

I'm really not a movie connoisseur. I never claimed to be. I will watch most anything you put in front of me if it's not too gory. So, with that said, tonight Sara and I watched Leap Year.That's right, a cheap thrills, frilly romantic comedy. Here is what I took away from this movie:

1. If you make any plans whatsoever you are probably an anal retentive control freak.

2.If you are an American you are said self-centered control freak.

3.You have to go to Ireland to fall passionately in love.

4. Said love has to be really elusive and frustrating and entirely unrealistic.

5. Irish accents really, reallllllllly help sell the package.


That said, I now feel completely boring and unfulfilled thanks to a gratuitous chick flick.

Maybe if I stare at this long enough I'll feel better.

rawr.

heartbreak c/o Victoria's Secret

My new swimsuit came right on time in the mail, however there was major backfat happening, and all self-respecting ladies know to never, ever compromise in this situation. So I called to exchange the top, and apparently the rest of Victoria's Secret clientele is also in love with the poesia-aqua-animal-print-retro-style-miracle-bra-push-up swimsuit top, because this particular size and stlye was on backorder until November. NOVEMBER. In three months I will be in sweaters. I will be eating chocolate chip bagels with strawberry cream cheese from Einsteins daily in the Art and Architecture building.I will be building up my layer of winter blubber(to keep warm of course) So.... I settled for the solid poesia aqua. I no longer feel daring in my animal print. I feel drab in my monochrome. But the fact that I still got it is proof that Victoria's Secret has me in their absolute control, starting with the free panty cards, and ending in purchases like today's. Meaning it was tax free day and Sara and I went to the mall, Ross, Home Goods, and Old Navy , and out of all the things I could have purchased, I bought expensive underwear. Judge me.

ADD

There was a really great show at the Pilot Light last night, and who talked it up to everyone? Me. Who completely forgot about the show and sat on her lazy ass all night? Me. Sometimes I amaze myself. I think I need classes to start again so I have something to keep me mentally stimulated. I guess it seems pathetic that I've let my mind go to mush this summer when I could've stopped it. I've been trying to read, and have been mildly successful in my endeavors, but most of the summer I found myself with a late fee and a stack of unread books. I can't really play it off like this is a recent problem. I've done this literally my whole life. I have the attention span of a goldfish. Which reminds me, Mr. Skittles the betta fish has about 2ml of water in which to live.I haven't changed his water in like a full month. I really hate changing his fishy,poopy water and often remind my parents when they comment that he came from puddles in Asia, so he should be just fine. Typically, when I say this they just raise both eyebrows and walk away.

.....yeah.

This is what I found open on the computer this morning. I don't ask questions anymore. After your mom has purchased an industrial waffle iron, nothing seems strange.

weird.

sick.

reminder to self

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS." -I Corinthians 13:1-8a

stoked.

new bathing suit on the way :]

The bottoms are going to be solid, and the top patterned.

So I already went swimming and had cereal and coffee this morning. It's just now 9, I swam at 6am....what's wrong with me?

slap chop and flat tires

Just heard on the slap chop commercial:

"We're going to make America skinny again one slap at a time."

"Quit having boring tuna, quit having a boring life"

"You're going to love my nuts."

There was other hilarious commentary, but I couldn't type fast enough and this guy was speaking very quickly into his pilot-style headset. I really can't make that much fun of it because my mother, queen of QVC and kitchen gadgets, owns this ridic chopping device. I have to say I've used it, and it's pretty handy.


In other news: Tonight on the way back from Cotton Eyed Joe's( they go for the "free beer") Micah's tire went flat, and when he tried to jack it up, the jack slipped twice. He finally got the spare on, and then the spare went flat too. I feel really bad about the whole thing, because I think it was actually indirectly my fault. You see, I'm pretty sure God is trying to tell me that he doesn't approve of Cotton Eyed Joe's and the fact that I shell out five dollars to see trashy people ride bulls and dance in lines. Also I think he saw me do the tush push.