Highschool Graduation, re-visited

If you have ever visited a small town in the south, there are a few givens. The biggest attraction/and or meeting place is the local Walmart,and the people are very friendly, very racist, and very conservative. This is the setting for the scene of my cousin's graduation festivities.

After we drove for 30 minutes to the closest restaurant, we arrived at The Garden Patch, which is made entirely of tin and looks more like a warehouse than a restaurant.It's an all you can eat buffet. The most telling points of the selection were something called "streaked neat" which is fatty bacon deep friend until it's crispy, and fried green tomatoes. I can't knock some good fried green tomatoes, but it was a little hard to stomach with the three different specimens of taxidermy staring at me from the walls.The waiter never seemed to grasp that I, in fact, was not the graduate, seeing as he congratulated me several times and patted me on the back on my way out, saying, "It feels good to make it through twelve years, doesn't it!?" I smiled and thanked him. As we left, I noticed a flag above the register, below which was enscribed

"America: Love It or Leave It!" Did I mention that my grandmother brushed the lint off off my ass in front of all of the fine patrons of The Garden Patch?

Once at the stadium, I made a bee line to the bathroom due to the two giant diet cokes I drank at the restaurant. As I'm washing my hands, two very loud, very large women come into the bathroom. I hear one of them settle in, and(sorry for the graphic description) as the first poop plops into the water she screams WOOOOOOO! I had to leave very quickly to avoid erupting in laughter. As we waited for the ceremony to start,the rules of conduct were announced three separate times over the loud speaker, making me increasingly wary of what they expected to go down. The 8 cop cars didn't help ease this suspicion. There were some rough looking people there that looked like they were very possibly attending their first graduation of any kind.Oh, and it rained.

The rest of our evening was spent drinking coffe and eating italian cream cake while watching the news. In accordance with the same manner in which I have conducted myself for the majority of our visit,I choose not to contradict the ridiculous political assertions of my ultra conservative republican family. Among the most notable of these specualtions are "I bet the spill is terrorism! You know they can swim down there and just blast it!" My dad is currently trash talking Letterman in favor of Leno because "At least Leno takes shots at both sides."

Tomorrow I get to go into the city to see the lovely Lisa, with whom I will escape the craziness while scouring the aisles of Ikea and enjoying lunch in Little 5. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I'm really looking forward to the break.